Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
