i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
