put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
