Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
