after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
