yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
