you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
