the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
