you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
