I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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