If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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