Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
