I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
