not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
