Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
