a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
