what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
