i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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