she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
BRING THE BAGELS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
