Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My cat gives me a boner
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
