I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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