Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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