Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
