my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
