you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
