I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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