once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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