Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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