haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
