No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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