Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just had sex on a roof
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
