I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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