just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
