Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
