just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
