Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
