Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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