my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
