careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
