He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
