i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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