I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Alive.
So much puke
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
