To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
