just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
