Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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