I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
