Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
