Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
