i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
