she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
